You might be an ENGINEER if...

• The only jokes you receive are through e-mail(nothing wrong with this one).
• At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
• Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
• Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
• In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.
• The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
• You are always late to meetings.
• You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
• You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.
• You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
• You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
• You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
• You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
• You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
• You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.
• You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
• You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
• You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
• You have never backed up your hard drive.
• You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
• You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
• You know what http:// stands for.
• You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
• You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
• You see a good design and still have to change it.
• You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
• You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
• You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
• You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
• You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
• You window shop at Radio Shack.
• You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
• Your checkbook always balances.
• Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
• Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
• Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium.
• You've already calculated how much you make per second.
• You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
  

15 Signs You Forgot Secretaries Day

• Phone messages delivered on end of spear.
• Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah I am a slave-driving cheapskate.
• A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your desk.
• When did FTD start doing an "Up Yours" Bouquet?
• First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.
• It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup.
• Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark, New Jersey.
• Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint presentation.
• Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the Washington Post cafeteria.
• Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tighta**."
• That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam and a personal appearance on Ricki Lake's "I'm A Selfish Pig" episode.
• Newly-typed organization chart lists your position as "Head Up His Ass."
• Your computer's mouse has been replaced by an electro-genital shock device.
• While admittedly funnier than usual, daily Top 5 list she forwards you contains 15 identical "You suck!" entries.
• Expense report you don't recall submitting comes back with denied charges for "beer & hookers."

Ceasar Salad

Boss asks secretary "Do you know the difference between Ceasar Salad and a blowjob is?"
"No", says the secretary.
"Great, Let's do lunch." the boss says.

Suffering From Dilutions

Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they weren't entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water.

One day Jim's conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widow's house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldn't be dishonest anymore.

"Don't quit now," Peter begged. "A few more jobs and we can retire."
Jim refused to change his mind.

"Peter," he said. "I just can't do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said - 'Repaint, repaint... you thinner.'"

Bank Teller

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir. . .," the manager said, ". . .and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

The Braggart Gets His

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of
one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said... "All right. Get in."!

Bank Teller

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir. . .," the manager said, ". . .and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Paper or Plastic?

One day a guy went to a grocery store and the bagger boy asked him "Paper or Plastic" and the man said, "Uh...paper I guess."

Then the bagger boy said your total is $56.35.

The man took out his wallet and said "Real or Counterfeit".

Bad waiter

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

The Unhappy Nun

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel!'".

The Trainee

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

On the high seas

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."

Not me Sarge

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir!

I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

Dear John Reply

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

"Dear Mary,

I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"

John.

US Air Force Humor

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

• (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
  (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
• (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
  (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
• (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
  (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
• (P) Something loose in cockpit
  (S) Something tightened in cockpit
• (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
  (S) Evidence removed
• (P) DME volume unbelievably loud
  (S) Volume set to more believable level
• (P) Dead bugs on windshield
  (S) Live bugs on order
• (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
  (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
• (P) IFF inoperative
  (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)
• (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
  (S) That's what they're there for
• (P) Number three engine missing
  (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
• (P) Aircraft handles funny
  (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!
• (P) Target Radar hums
  (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
  

Sharing Hotel Rooms

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Yes What?

World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.

Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.
Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!

Who Is Braver?

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.

"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.

"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "FUCK YOU SIR!!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

The Recruits

Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.

"Hey johnson!" yelled the drill instructor, " those are the ugliest shoes i've ever seen! "

"Yes, sir" the young man answered.

"Those shoes are really really ugly, right?" hollered the D.I again

"Yes, sir!"

"And that hair- dont they have barbershops where you came from?"

"Yes, sir", answered the recruit.

"So why didnt you get a haircut?"

"I was saving up for shoes, sir!"

Always on Duty

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

Have you ever been arrested?

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"

He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Variety of work

Employer: "Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"

Applicant: "I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."

What happened??!!

In the above cartoon an office personal is seen within a trash of papers wherein the other guy is asking him as to what happened. The person replies - The patent office "simplified" regulations again.

Industrial spy

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."

Wanted:Somebody with imagination

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the manager asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had."

"Well," the young man said, "in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

Equal Opportunity Employer

A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, "Meow."

More pay

Boss: I'm prepared to pay you more if you work hard.
Employee: I knew there'd be a catch.

Secretary on Vacation

Returning from her vacation, the young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had. She then asked for two weeks leave in which to get married.

"But you just had two weeks off," said the boss. "Why didn't you get married then ?"

"What and ruin my vacation ?" she whined.

Do something right

Yes, this is a funny cartoon depicting the thoughts of general workforce and a computer thinking 'Can't you do anything right?' at the same time.

Boss have the first say

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.

Occasional mistake

A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck.

"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

"Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

Word in office

The word around the office is that you have an attitude problem...

Free of charge

The boss came early in the morning one day and found an employee kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The employee replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

Three companies

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

I hate my job

When you have an "I hate my job" day, try this: On your way home from work, stop at the pharmacy, go to the thermometers section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Best Thermo". Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Best Thermo is personally tested." Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Best Thermo Company."

Shoestring Budget

My boy decided to go into business on a shoestring,' said George. 'He's tripled his investments, be he's still not satisfied, can you believe it?'

'Why not?' asked his friend.

'He can't think of anything to do with three shoestrings.'

The Snail

A man went to his boss's costume party with nothing on but a naked woman on his back.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.

"I'm a snail," the man replied.

"What a load of crap!" his boss spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle."

Get ready in ten minutes

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

Marine interview

A man was being interviewed for a job.

"Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.

"Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

Safe passwords

See the cartoon above and guess what the employees can do to safeguard their passwords. An employee is seen above saying this to his colleague, "Sorry about the odor. I have all my passwords tattooed between my toes".

Drawbacks to working in a cubicle joke

1. Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the darn box all day!
2. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
3. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
4. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
5. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
8. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
9. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
10. Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
11. If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say "What? I didn't hear you."
12. If your boss calls you and asks you to come into his office for a minute the walk there is like a funeral march... people hand you tissues as you pass and refuse to make eye contact.
13. You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they're gone.
    

Office skills joke

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"

"Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel."

"Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

Password Rejected

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'penis'.

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

My Project Desk

My Project Desk (MPD) is an online Project Management & Collaboration solution developed in PHP/ MySQL by Konstant Infosolutions. They describe My Project Desk as "... a nice place for managing projects & interacting with employees. Take MPD as your personal assistant...!" As of today, MPD if proprietary and is used by Konstant with its clients only to keep track of the projects being developed by Konstant for its clients. The clients are provided with access to MPD so as to keep track of the tasks assigned to developers and post any query or bug. Find the comprehensive list of the features of MPD here.

My Project Desk runs on the servers of Konstant Info Solutions and the clients have the facility to directly interact with the members of the team which is working upon their projects.

• Discussing details
• Generatin To-Do lists
• Milestones
• Sending messages
• Sharing files
• Tracking projects
• Writing on-board for Future Reference

Hilarious - Don't need much help

Hilarious employee joke showing what happens in an office:

Manager: Sorry,but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

Office joke: New office

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

"Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, ... "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Zoho Office Suite

The Zoho Office Suite is a free & Web- based online office suite containing word processing, spreadsheets, presentations, databases, note-taking, wikis, CRM, project management, invoicing and other applications developed by AdventNet Inc., an India based company. It was launched in 2005 with a web-based word processor. Additional products, such as spreadsheets and presentations were incorporated later into Zoho. Although some applications, such as Zoho CRM and Zoho Projects, require a fee to be used, Zoho maintains that it has a commitment to "maintaining a free tier of entry-level applications with free registration."

Zoho uses an open Application Programming Interface for its Writer, Sheet, Show, Creator, Meeting, and Planner products. Google Gears, an application developed by Google that "enables more powerful web applications, by adding new features to your web browser." It also has plugins into Microsoft Word, Microsoft Excel, an OpenOffice plugin, and a plugin for Firefox.

The Zoho Office Suite can be used together with the Project Management tool & CRM to manage the employess and their tasks in a better way. Zoho can be installed on your servers as well for a fee.

dotProject for Project Management

dotProject is a web-based, multi-user, multi-language, open-source Project Management application designed in PHP & MySQL. It's free for any uses and is maintained by an open community of volunteer programmers across the globe. The developers who started with dotProject are Adam Donnison, Karen Chisholm, Gregor Erhardt, Ivan Peevski, Eamon Brosnan & Benjamin Young. It started as an open-source replacement to Microsoft Project and has the following features:

• Projects and Tasks
• Companies, Departments and Contacts
• ToDo lists
• Resources
• Forums
• Gantt charts
• Access control via ACL
• Reporting
• History of all activities
• Calendar
  

Sugar CRM

Sugar CRM is an online tool with which your employees can manage their data, meetings, emails and customer relationships. Basically, it's a SaaS (Software as a Service) which can be used by employees in a step towards Paperless Office. Available in Sugar Community Edition, Sugar Express, Sugar Professional and Sugar Enterprise versions, Sugar CRM is deployed on your servers and you can use it for:

• Account Management
• Activity Management
• Case Management
• Contact Management
• Email Marketing
• Forecasting
• Inbound Mail
• Knowledgebase
• Lead Management
• Marketing Analytics
• Multi-Channel Campaigns
• Opportunity Management
• Project Management
• Quotes & Contracts
• Self Service Portal
• Workflow Management
  

What obstacles stop employees performing to best effect

The management of the company should distribute questionnaires seeking answers about what employees are tolerating in their work & home lives. This technique is known to motivate employees as they feel lighter after sharing the worst parts. The company can eliminate practices that zap motivation.

Share company's primary goal

The employees of any company get more motivated when they understand the primary aim of the company they are working with. If the employer asks questions to its employees about how clear they are about the company's principles, priorities & mission the employer would get to know what does the employees think of the company and how motivated they are in taking initiatives. It has been seen that when the management of a company shares vision, values & aim with the employees of their company, the employees feel more motivated and their performance comes out in a better way.

Employee Motivation

For the overall growth of a company, its employees should be fully motivated to accomplish the tasks and should have a complete understanding of the future tasks so that threats can be overcome and growth can be achieved. Here are ten tips for questionnaires on employee motivation:

• What is the 'primary aim' of your company?
• What obstacles stop employees performing to best effect?
• What really motivates your staff?
• Do employees feel empowered?
• Are there any recent changes in the company that might have affected motivation?
• What are the patterns of motivation in your company?
• Are employee goals and company goals aligned?
• How do employees feel about the company?
• How involved are employees in company development?
• Is the company's internal image consistent with its external one?
  

Task list organization

Task lists are often tiered. The simplest tiered system includes a general to-do list (or task-holding file) to record all the tasks the person needs to accomplish, and a daily to-do list which is created each day by transferring tasks from the general to-do list. Task lists are often prioritized:

• An early advocate of "ABC" prioritization was Alan Lakein. In his system "A" items were the most important ("A-1" the most important within that group), "B" next most important, "C" least important.
• A particular method of applying the ABC method assigns "A" to tasks to be done within a day, "B" a week, and "C" a month.
• To prioritize a daily task list, one either records the tasks in the order of highest priority, or assigns them a number after they are listed ("1" for highest priority, "2" for second highest priority, etc.) which indicates in which order to execute the tasks. The latter method is generally faster, allowing the tasks to be recorded more quickly.
  

Employee Management

The topic of Employee Management is a part of People management & includes topics such as Employee Performance Management, Hiring & Training Employees, Team Building Exercises & Employee Motivation.

Exit Interview form

Here are the contents of the form for the Exit Interview of en employee from a company:

• Employee Name
• Termination Date
• Employee ID
• Eligible for Rehire
• Job Title
• Reason for Termination (Voluntary & Involuntary)
• Employee Comments
• Interviewer Comments
• Employee's Signature
• Interviewer's Signature
• Date
  

Employee Exit Management

The termination of employees, whether on a large scale or small scale, is not considered to be good by people. The management of the termination of employees plays a significant part in the image building of a company at the time of recession as well. Employee Exit Management is the process that is used within big corporates & enterprises to terminate employess, large or small scale, in a professional manner. Large companies seek the services of expert professionals who can conduct the process in a better way. Employee Exit Management applies to employees who have resigned as per their will and to those whoo have been terminated by the company owing any reasons. Employee Exit Management is seen as the opposite to the Induction Programme which is the process for on-boarding an employee.

More strategy games

Some of the strategy games that can be used for training employees are:

• 24 Puzzle
• 25 Boxes
• Add Like Mad
• Alchemy
• Alien Hatcher
• Atlantis Quest
• Bejeweled
• Bistro Stars
• Bloxorz
• Bonnies Bookstore
• Dragons
• Game for Money
• Kancha
• Reversi
• Rise of Atlantis
• Speed Chess
• Sudoku
• Tic Tac Toe
• Typer Shark
• Xtreme Catapult
  

Generations of Time Management tools

Authors such as Stephen R Covey have offered a detailed categorization for the hundreds of time management approaches that they invented, disovered or reviewed:

• First generation: These are the reminders which are based on clocks & watches, but with the implementation of computers it has been made possible to alert the time when a task is to be done.
• Second generation: Planning & preparation based on calendar and appointment books includes setting goals using pyramids, etc.
• Third generation: Planning, prioritizing, controlling (using a personal organizer, other paper-based objects, or computer or PDA systems activities on a daily basis. This approach implies spending some time in clarifying values and priorities.
• Fourth generation: Being efficient and proactive using any of the above tools places goals and roles as the controlling element of the system and favors importance over urgency.
  

Pareto analysis

This is the idea that 80% of tasks can be completed in 20% of the disposable time. The remaining 20% of tasks will take up 80% of the time. This principle is used to sort tasks into two parts. According to this form of Pareto analysis it is recommended that tasks that fall into the first category be assigned a higher priority.

The 80-20-rule can also be applied to increase productivity: it is assumed that 80% of the productivity can be achieved by doing 20% of the tasks. If productivity is the aim of time management, then these tasks should be prioritized higher. Often, ABC Analysis is used together with Pareto Analysis.

ABC Analysis

ABC Analysis is a technique which has been into use by businesses for long and is the categorization of large data into smaller groups. The smaller groups are often marked A, B & C and thus the name ABC Analysis. The activities of a project are ranked upon these general criteria:

• A – Tasks that are perceived as being urgent and important
• B – Tasks that are important but not urgent
• C – Tasks that are neither urgent nor important

Each group is then rank-ordered in priority. To further refine the priority, some individuals choose to then force-rank all "B" items as either "A" or "C". ABC analysis can incorporate more than three groups. ABC analysis is frequently combined with Pareto analysis.

Strategy Game - Minesweeper

Minesweeper is a strategy game popular in the corporate circles to impart the need & tactics of defining a strategy for a game plan to the employees. Minesweeper comes in various versions and has been an integral part of FREE games provided by Microsoft in its operating systems since Windows 3.1. Minesweeper is an unique combination of guess work & mathematical calculations that teaches the employees patience & thinking for a solution.

Time Management

Time Management refers to the broad range of skills, techniques & tool sets used by a team to manage time to successfully accomplish projects. Time Management starts at personal level to complete tasks & goals and also implies on a team as a whole. People who have been working upon Time Management are Stephen R Covey, Alan Lakein, Mark Forster, David Allen, Neil Fiore, Mark Forster, Alan Julie Morgenstern & Raymond Le Blanc.

Tools & techniques such as such ABC Analysis, Pareto Analysis, POSEC Method, Hipster PDA, PDA, Personal Organizer, Time Boxing, Time Tracking Software & the Eisenhower Method have been developed to help accomplish tasks timely.

Performance Now

Performance Now is a tool to manage employees and their reviews. The software makes it easy for the employer to write complete & concise employee reviews which provide the kind of feedback the employees need to perform & succeed. Performance Now helps the managers to be better coaches, mentors and counselors for employees.

Performance Now has the complete vocabulary required to be an effective coach, mentor & counselor and motivate the employees. The user can choose from the list of performance elements and rate the employee's performance on a high-to-low scale with concise supporting text which will translate the observation of the manager into meaningful words.

With Performance Now the managers will be able to:

• set, track and measure goals
• utilize new management oriented elements, tools & coaching ideas
• generate meaningful review text automatically, based on input
• use simple design features to create their own reviews
• spot legally sensitive wordings & language
  

My Shift Manager

My Shift Manager in an online, simple and easy to use Staff Scheduling Software that is accessible anytime & anywhere via the Internet connection. You have 24/7 access to manage your employees, their schedules & availability and track the labor costs while your employees have access to request their time off, request shift changes and view their schedules. My Shift Manager is password protected and fully secure through secure layer HTTPS. There is no need to buy a software and no botheration for updates & installation. My Shift Manager is available for a trial version so that you can evaluate it before you buy. You can sign up for the trial version at www [dot] myshiftmanager [dot] com.

Some of the featues of My Shift Manager are:

• Fully Automated Employee Scheduling
• 100% Web-Based
• Improves Communication
• Easy to Use
• Calculate Labor costs on weekly basis
• Calculate Labor cost By Job or By Employee
• Maintain employee information & availability
• Technical Support available
• Add Unlimited Employees
• Add Unlimited Jobs per Employee
• Assign jobs to a single employee or a department
• Start your work-day from any day of the week
• Assign unique user name & password to each employee
• View multi week schedule
• Print Schedule
• Download schedule in PDF or EXCEL
• Send text and email messages to employees using myShiftManager
• Maintain employee profiles
  

Employee Management Softwares

Some of the Employee Management Softwares are available at:

• www [dot] myshiftmanager [dot] com
• www [dot] briannorris [dot] com
• www [dot] cmshris [dot] com
• www [dot] conductit [dot] com
• www [dot] ghg [dot] com
• www [dot] groteapproach [dot] com
• www [dot] halogensoftware [dot] com
• www [dot] iemployee [dot] com
• www [dot] managerassistant [dot] com
• www [dot] mbaware [dot] com
• www [dot] nchsoftware [dot] com
• www [dot] peoplestreme [dot] com
• www [dot] sageabra [dot] com
• www [dot] softwaretech [dot] com
• www [dot] successfactors [dot] com
• www [dot] vip-qualitysoft [dot] com
• www [dot] workplacesystems [dot] com
• www [dot] xevasoft [dot] com
  

Employer and employees

Employment is a contract between two parties, one being the employer and the other being the employee wherein an individual who provides labor to a company or another person gets money for the time and/or labor devoted.

Employees are considered to be the wealth of a company and no company can survive without its employees.

Employee loyalty is considered to be the most important factor considering which the employer employees a person. Another most important thing which is considered is time management by the employee. If an employee is not able to manage his time properly than the results achived can be criticized by his bosses.