This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir. . .," the manager said, ". . .and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
Friday, August 14, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
The Braggart Gets His
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of
one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said... "All right. Get in."!
one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said... "All right. Get in."!
Bank Teller
This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir. . .," the manager said, ". . .and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir. . .," the manager said, ". . .and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
Friday, August 7, 2009
Paper or Plastic?
One day a guy went to a grocery store and the bagger boy asked him "Paper or Plastic" and the man said, "Uh...paper I guess."
Then the bagger boy said your total is $56.35.
The man took out his wallet and said "Real or Counterfeit".
Then the bagger boy said your total is $56.35.
The man took out his wallet and said "Real or Counterfeit".
Bad waiter
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The Unhappy Nun
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.
"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel!'".
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.
"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel!'".
The Trainee
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
On the high seas
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.
As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."
As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."
Not me Sarge
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"
Monday, August 3, 2009
Dear John Reply
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Dear Mary,
I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"
John.
A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
"Dear Mary,
I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"
John.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
US Air Force Humor
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
- (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire - (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft - (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage - (P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit - (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed - (P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level - (P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order - (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground - (P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe) - (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for - (P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search - (P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious! - (P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
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