15 Signs You Forgot Secretaries Day

• Phone messages delivered on end of spear.
• Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah I am a slave-driving cheapskate.
• A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your desk.
• When did FTD start doing an "Up Yours" Bouquet?
• First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.
• It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup.
• Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark, New Jersey.
• Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint presentation.
• Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the Washington Post cafeteria.
• Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tighta**."
• That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam and a personal appearance on Ricki Lake's "I'm A Selfish Pig" episode.
• Newly-typed organization chart lists your position as "Head Up His Ass."
• Your computer's mouse has been replaced by an electro-genital shock device.
• While admittedly funnier than usual, daily Top 5 list she forwards you contains 15 identical "You suck!" entries.
• Expense report you don't recall submitting comes back with denied charges for "beer & hookers."

Ceasar Salad

Boss asks secretary "Do you know the difference between Ceasar Salad and a blowjob is?"
"No", says the secretary.
"Great, Let's do lunch." the boss says.

Suffering From Dilutions

Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they weren't entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water.

One day Jim's conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widow's house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldn't be dishonest anymore.

"Don't quit now," Peter begged. "A few more jobs and we can retire."
Jim refused to change his mind.

"Peter," he said. "I just can't do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said - 'Repaint, repaint... you thinner.'"