You might be an ENGINEER if...

• The only jokes you receive are through e-mail(nothing wrong with this one).
• At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
• Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
• Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
• In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.
• The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
• You are always late to meetings.
• You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
• You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it.
• You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.
• You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
• You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
• You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
• You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
• You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.
• You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
• You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
• You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
• You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
• You have never backed up your hard drive.
• You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
• You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
• You know what http:// stands for.
• You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
• You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
• You see a good design and still have to change it.
• You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
• You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
• You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
• You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
• You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
• You window shop at Radio Shack.
• You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
• Your checkbook always balances.
• Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
• Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work.
• Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium.
• You've already calculated how much you make per second.
• You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
  

15 Signs You Forgot Secretaries Day

• Phone messages delivered on end of spear.
• Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah I am a slave-driving cheapskate.
• A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your desk.
• When did FTD start doing an "Up Yours" Bouquet?
• First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.
• It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup.
• Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark, New Jersey.
• Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint presentation.
• Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the Washington Post cafeteria.
• Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tighta**."
• That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam and a personal appearance on Ricki Lake's "I'm A Selfish Pig" episode.
• Newly-typed organization chart lists your position as "Head Up His Ass."
• Your computer's mouse has been replaced by an electro-genital shock device.
• While admittedly funnier than usual, daily Top 5 list she forwards you contains 15 identical "You suck!" entries.
• Expense report you don't recall submitting comes back with denied charges for "beer & hookers."

Ceasar Salad

Boss asks secretary "Do you know the difference between Ceasar Salad and a blowjob is?"
"No", says the secretary.
"Great, Let's do lunch." the boss says.

Suffering From Dilutions

Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they weren't entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water.

One day Jim's conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widow's house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldn't be dishonest anymore.

"Don't quit now," Peter begged. "A few more jobs and we can retire."
Jim refused to change his mind.

"Peter," he said. "I just can't do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said - 'Repaint, repaint... you thinner.'"

Bank Teller

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir. . .," the manager said, ". . .and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

The Braggart Gets His

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of
one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said... "All right. Get in."!

Bank Teller

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir. . .," the manager said, ". . .and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Paper or Plastic?

One day a guy went to a grocery store and the bagger boy asked him "Paper or Plastic" and the man said, "Uh...paper I guess."

Then the bagger boy said your total is $56.35.

The man took out his wallet and said "Real or Counterfeit".

Bad waiter

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

The Unhappy Nun

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel!'".

The Trainee

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee. "It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

On the high seas

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."

Sharing Hotel Rooms

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Yes What?

World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.

Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?

The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.

The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.
Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?

Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!

Who Is Braver?

Three generals, one from the Army, another from the Marines, and a third from the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder', and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims the general.

"Ah, that's nothing," says the Admiral, "Seaman!" A seaman appears, "YES, SIR!!" "Take this weapon," as he offers him an M14, "Scale that flagpole, balance yourself on top, stand at attention, present arms, and sing 'Anchors Aweigh.' Salute each of us, and jump off.

"YES SIR!!" replies the seaman. He sprints for the flagpole with the weapon high over his head, and completes the task perfectly.

"Now that's courage!" says the admiral.

"Courage, nothin'" snorts the Army general. "Get over here, private!"
"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us, and then climb back down, head first."

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.
"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They all look to the Marine. "Private," he says.
"YES SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack. Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing 'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and says, "FUCK YOU SIR!!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

The Recruits

Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.

"Hey johnson!" yelled the drill instructor, " those are the ugliest shoes i've ever seen! "

"Yes, sir" the young man answered.

"Those shoes are really really ugly, right?" hollered the D.I again

"Yes, sir!"

"And that hair- dont they have barbershops where you came from?"

"Yes, sir", answered the recruit.

"So why didnt you get a haircut?"

"I was saving up for shoes, sir!"

Always on Duty

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

Have you ever been arrested?

An applicant was filling out a job application.

When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"

He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Variety of work

Employer: "Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"

Applicant: "I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."

Industrial spy

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."